A Muslim wife complained to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.
She whined, "Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?"
"Yeah," he replied, "But to be fair, you were only eleven years old at the time!"
Headlines from the year 2030
White minorities still trying to have English recognised as Australia's third language over Arabic and Cantonese.
Melbourne schoolgirl expelled for not wearing burqa - being Christian is no excuse, says school: Sharia law must be enforced
New Arabia (formerly Australia) deficit $10 trillion and rising; Government declares return to surplus in 100 years - 300 years ahead of schedule. PM Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.
Iran still quarantined; physicists estimate it will take 10 years for radioactivity to decrease to safe level.
The Islamic Republic of New Morocco (formerly France) pleads for global help after being taken over by Muslim countries - no nation steps forward.
I was sitting in my car at a red light yesterday minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green.
A carload of bearded young loud Muslims, shouting anti-Aussie slogans with a half-burned Aussie Flag duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray-painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the lights changed.
Out of nowhere, a bus came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes, I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! That could have been me!".
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al-Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al-Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut from 72 to only 45. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is very unfair."
Speaking from his lean-to in the West Midlands town of Tipton where he currently resides, an Al-Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathise with our workers' concerns, but Al-Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my members that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow, Shellharbour Australia and British Columbia stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.
Apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslim men know what a virgin looks like, they are no longer so keen on going to paradise.
I went to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said, "Darling you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen" I said, "That bastard next door has still got my shovel."
Leading drug companies have announced that live rabbits will no longer be used in scientific experiments. Muslims will now be used instead.
A top scientist stated that the advantage of using Muslims is they breed faster than rabbits and you don't get fond of them.
The Meteorological Office announced that the climate in Britain should no longer be referred to as English Weather.
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the British population, it will now be referred to as Muslim Weather.
Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.
In 1272, Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
I was walking through the mall, and went into a Muslim bookshop.
The assistant asked if he could help me.
I asked for a copy of the Australian Immigration Policy Book.
The assistant said, "Fuck off, Get Out and Stay Out."
I replied, Yes that’s the one."
My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like now. It didn't start well when the bus we were travelling on broke down a few kilometres south west of the capital.
What a third world shit-hole! Streets full of angry bearded men glaring at us and my wife stood out like a sore thumb in her sun dress, as all other women had head-to-toe burqas. Oh my God, we are dead, I thought.
Luckily, Dave the organiser knows his way around well. He suddenly remembered that Lakemba had a railway station, so we were able to get safely to Sydney airport and then on to Kabul.
During last night's high winds an African Muslim family was killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for Blacktown City council said, "We didn't even know they were living up there."
I just fostered a Muslim kid.
All four cans hit him right on the back of the head.
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who is English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 3.
Riots in the Muslim-settled area of Wythenshawe caused over $2 million worth of improvements.
I just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for Muslim orphans.
I told him with my luck I'd probably win one.
Last week this Lebanese Muslim from work and I decided to have a moustache and beard growing competition.
I still can't believe she won.
They've had to cancel the pantomime Jack And The Beanstalk in Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester and Luton.
The giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
Years ago, they said, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But now all the doctors are Muslim.
No problem. A bacon sandwich works just as well.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in London but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I knew, 4000 Muslims added me as a friend.
One of the trivia questions was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Muslims is not the correct answer.
I don't what all the fuss is about this shark coming to Cornwall. It's the first thing in ages that's tried to get in Britain that's not Muslim.
The BBC said that Muslims aren't represented enough on TV, so they're putting on "Crime Watch" twice a week.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
I walked past a Muslim kid as I came out of the bank.
He looked at me and said "Any change, mate?"
I said, "Nope! You're still a Muslim cunt."
My new Muslim neighbour popped his head over the fence today and said, "Hey mister, what’s going down?”
I said, "The value of my fucking house you Muslim prick!”
The Muslim next door popped his head over the fence again and said, "I want you to kill my wife for me, I’ll pay you $10,000."
I accepted, telling him all it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit.
He looked at me and said, "I want her dead, not fucking knee-capped!"
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy.
He's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Lakemba.
A Muslim guy reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police.
They asked him: "How did you find her body?"
He said, "Her tits were good but the rigor mortis had tightened her arse a bit too much for my liking."
A local Pakistani Muslim won $3 million on the lottery last week.
After sharing it between members of his family, they each walked away with $4.50.
A Pakistani Muslim woman was sexually assaulted a month ago.
Police are still trying to find a motive.
I'm about to take part in the Great Lakemba Run.
It's not an official race. We just stand in the city centre and shout, "Allah is a Fuckwit" and then off we go.
My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV and stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop."
"Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army. Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my sisters".
Well, she didn't put it quite like that.
She actually said, "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."
Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammed returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammed?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammed. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
His mother cried, "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day, Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Kevin?" she asked.
He replied, "Well Miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two fucking Muslim Arabs."
An Australian Navy destroyer stopped four Muslims in a small boat, rowing towards Australia.
The captain grabbed the loudhailer and shouted, "Ahoy small craft, where are you heading?"
One of the Muslims stood up and shouted back, "We are invading Australia."
The crew of the destroyer all started laughing and when the captain finally stopped rolling around on the deck, he got back on the loudhailer.
The captain shouted, "Just the four of you?"
The Muslim stood up again and shouted back, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
A guy saw a Muslim with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. He exclaimed, "Hey, that's really incredible. Where did you get that?"
The parrot replied, "Christmas Island - there's a thousand of the fuckers there."
I went out last night dressed to kill - beard, sandals, turban and backpack.
Police were called when a car full of explosives was discovered outside the Lakemba Mosque.
They took quick action to protect people on the street by pushing the car inside the mosque.
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal Muslim immigrants come to Australia just so that they can see their own doctor.
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver.
The instructors at Picton said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
I was so depressed that last night I called Lifeline, but they diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan.
When I told them that I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!
A girl I know said that the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 metre final.
I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight Muslim men and a gun."
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair; but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam and we're stoning her in the morning.
The Muslim Red Crescent just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan.
I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
I know a Muslim whose name is Selim
I really love throwing tomatoes at him
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin
But these fuckers do, because they're still in the tin
THE ISLAMIC IMMIGRANT SONG
I sneak into Aussie, poor and broke, Take bus to see employment folk
Nice man treat me good in there, Say I need to see welfare
Welfare say, "You come no more, We'll send cash right to your door"
Welfare cheques, they make you wealthy, Medicare, it keep you healthy
By and by, got plenty money, Thanks to you, Australian dummy
Write to friends in motherland, Tell them "come fast as you can"
They come in turbans and Ford trucks, I buy big house with welfare bucks
They come here, we live together, More welfare cheques, it just gets better
Fourteen families, they moving in, But neighbour's patience wearing thin
Finally white guy, he moves away, Now I buy his house and then I say
"Find more Muslims for house to rent", And in the yard I put a tent
Send for family, they just trash, But they too, draw welfare cash
Everything is very good, And soon we own the neighbourhood
We have hobby it's called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding
Kids need dentist, wife need pills, We get for free, we got no bills
Australian crazy, he pay all year, To keep the welfare running here
We think Australia darnn good place, Too damn good for white man race
If they no like us, they can scram, Got lots of room in Afghanistan
A Somalian arrived in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia.
He stopped the first person he saw walking down the street and said, "Thank you Mr Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"
The passerby said, "You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander."
The man went on and encountered another passerby. " Thank you for having such beautiful country here in Australia!"
The person said, "I not Australian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walked further and the next person he saw he stopped, shook his hand and said, "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!"
That person put up his hand and said, "I am from Middle East, I am not Australian!"
He finally saw a nice lady and asked, "Are you an Australian?"
She said, "No, I am from Africa!"
Puzzled, he asked her, "Where are all the Australians?"
The African lady checked her watch and said, "Probably at work."
I went to my first Muslim birthday party last week. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but pass the parcel was quick!
I was walking down the road when I saw a Muslim standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up, Mohammed? Won't it start?"
The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the city centre. All of London was full of pigeon poop and it was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean. The Mayor advertised for somebody who could solve this problem.
A man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. He stated, "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons for one million pounds. But no questions. If you want, you can ask me just one question, but it will cost you another million pounds."
The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day, the man climbed to the top of Nelson's Column in Trafalgar Square, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the London sky. All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird.
The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as it flew eastwards out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column.
The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons. The Mayor presented him with a cheque for one million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and he had decided to pay the additional one million pounds just to get to ask one question.
The man accepted the money and told the Mayor to ask his one question.
The mayor asked, "'Do you have a blue Muslim?"
The Prophet Mohammed's wife told him that he was a paedophile. That's an awfully big word for a nine-year-old.
A Muslim went into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist about getting birth control for his 11-year-old daughter.
"My god, your 11-year-old daughter is sexually active?" the pharmacist exclaimed in shock.
The Muslim replied, "Not really. She just lies there and cries."
A Muslim girl walked in on her dad Mahmoud masturbating. Never having seen anyone do this, she said, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
Mahmoud replied, "Don't worry Fatima, you'll be doing it soon enough!"
Fatima replied, "Really? Why's that, Daddy?"
Mahmoud said, "Well, my arm is getting tired."
Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?
Q. How do Muslims practice safe sex?
A. They mark the camels that kick.
Q. What do Tehran and Hiroshima have in common?
A. Nothing, yet.
Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?
A. A pimp.
Q: How do you tell a Sunni from a Shiite?
A: The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.
Q. What's the hardest part about a Muslim killing his own daughter?
A. Suppressing the erection.
Q: How can you tell if a Muslim girl is old enough to marry?
A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down until her chin is over the top.
Q. What's the difference between a Muslim and a vampire?
A. At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.
Q. What's the difference between ET and Muslims?
A. ET got the point and went home.
Q. Why are there only 2 pallbearers at a Muslim funeral?
A. There's only 2 handles on a garbage can.
Q. When's the only time you should wink at a Muslim?
A. When aiming.
Q. What can Saudi Arabia do to raise the average IQ in the country?
A. Allow Jews to come in.
Q: Where do you find a Muslim with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.
Q: What's the difference between Islam and yoghurt?
A: The yoghurt has a living culture.
A Muslim walked into his local mosque with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about, Abdul?" asked the Imam.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies Abdul. "I live by the railroad tracks and on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the rails, like in the American movies. I cut her free and took her back to my humble abode. Allah be praised, we made love all night, all around the tent. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position permitted by Mohammed, Peace Be Upon Him!"
"By the most Merciful," exclaimed the Imam, "you have been blessed. Was she as beautiful as a desert flower?"
Abdul grimaced, "By the Djinn, I do not know - I never found her head."
An Australian soldier entered the Catholic Church confessional booth.
He told the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the hell out of a Muslim."
The priest replied, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
I figured out a way to stop Muslims burning my house down. I put a Koran in every room.
A Muslim woman got on a bus with her baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman went to the rear of the bus and sat down, fuming. She said to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man replied, "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you."
Arab scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the Middle Ages.
They’re calling it Islam.
A woman was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a keffiya, who was eating fresh shrimp out of a box. Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it. When he finished the box, he threw it out the window.
Seeing this, the woman was disgusted, so she pulled the emergency cord.
The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid infidel, worthless kaffir bitch."
The woman laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel-headed camel-fucker.
Two Muslim men were sitting on a park bench when an 8-year-old girl walked past.
One Muslim turned to the other and said, "Wow, I bet she was hot in her day."
I read this headline in a Sydney newspaper: "Pakistani Men Target Young White Girls For Sex"
Can you really blame them? Have you SEEN Pakistani women?
A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its backside when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?"
"No way," said the zoo keeper, "It's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago, it dragged a Muslim into the cage and completely devoured him."
"It hardly seems possible,” said the astonished visitor, "But why is it lying there licking its arse?"
The zoo keep replied, "The poor thing is trying to get the bad taste out of its mouth."
A little girl was standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out.
A Muslim cleric approached her and said, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little girl turned to him and said, "My mummy and daddy were in their car and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The imam slowly looked around him, lifted his robe, pulled out his cock and said, "It’s just not your day, is it?"
A Muslim wife just gave birth to a little girl. The father asked the doctor how long it will be before they can have sex.
The doctor said, "For fuck's sake Abdul, at least wait until the child can walk."
There is a document published with the names of people that are the worst racists and bigots in the history of the world.
These people want to spread hatred and terror throughout the world.
The name of the document is the Koran.
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night at a Mosque in West Sydney. They were called "Bomb Jovi".
I thought that they were brilliant. They did songs like "Losing My Head Over You", "Rocket Launcher Man", "You’re Six, You're Beautiful And You're Mine. Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD. I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started. Those pricks have no sense of humour!
A Sydney emergency call centre operator has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems that a caller dialed 000 from a cellphone stating, "I am a Muslim and very depressed. I am lying on a railway line, so that when the train comes, I can finally meet Allah."
To which the call centre operator replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
A Muslim died and found himself in front of St Peter at the gates of Heaven. "Hey, what's going on here? Where am I?" he asked.
"Welcome to the afterlife," St Peter replied.
The Muslim said, "No, no this isn't right. I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed right away." "Would you like a cappuccino?" asked St Peter.
"No! I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed," replied the Muslim.
"Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want," said St Peter and went off to find him and brought him to the Muslim. "Jesus, I don't understand what's going on here," the Muslim said. "I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed."
Jesus replied, "Would you like a cappuccino?"
The fed-up Muslims shouted, "No, I want to speak to the prophet! Now."
"Well, you can talk to God if you like", said Jesus.
This appeared acceptable to the Muslim and off they went. Jesus showed the Muslim into a big room and left him. After a few moments there was a puff of smoke and God appeared.
"Yes, what seems to be the problem here?" boomed God.
The Muslim was very worked up by now. "Look, I don't get what's happened here, I want to talk to the prophet Mohammed!"
God replied, "Would you like a cappuccino?"
"Okay, okay," said the Muslim, "I'll have a fucking cappuccino. Now will someone please let me speak to the prophet Mohammed."
God yelled out, "Mohammed you lazy arsehole - two cappuccinos - PRONTO."
A Muslim died and went to heaven. He was stopped at the Pearly Gates by St Peter who said "Sorry, but we don't allow Muslims into Heaven!"
"What?" replied the Muslim, "Why not?"
St Peter said, "Well, we just don't. It's our policy."
The Muslim complained and carried on until St Peter became fed up. "Well," said St Peter, "Have you ever done anything good in your life?"
The Muslim replied, "Yes, just the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children’s charity so I gave her ten dollars. Then last week I also donated ten dollars to the American Cancer Society. Plus a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten dollars too!"
"Alright then," said St Peter. "Let me go and have a quick word with God."
Five minutes later St Peter returned and said to the Muslim, "Listen, I've spoken with God and He agrees with me. Here's your 30 bucks back, now fuck off!"
Jesus and God were sitting in a room discussing an important issue when somebody knocked on the door.
Jesus opened the door and saw Allah.
Jesus turned to God and asked, "Father, did you order a doner kebab?"
George Bush and Tony Blair were hunched over a café table having a quiet conversation.
An onlooker approached and asked, "Mr President and Mr Prime Minister, you are so engrossed. Are you discussing important matters of state?"
Bush replied "I'm going to nuke Iraq and Iran and also kill a blonde with big tits."
"Two blondes with big tits?" exclaimed the onlooker. "Why would you want to kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turned to Blair and said, "See! Nobody gives a fuck about all those Muslims."
A feminist visited Kabul just after the fall of the Taliban and was not pleased to find that women were made to walk five paces behind the men.
A year later she returned and was delighted to find that women were made to walk five paces in front of the men.
She asked the interpreter, "What brought about the change?"
He replied, "Landmines."
The teacher was calling the roll on the first day back at school in Birmingham in England.
Mustafa Al Sheriah
Ahmed El Sheriah
Fatima El Bindiri
Ali Acmah Shabeeb
Ali Sun Al En
Ali Sun Al En?
A little girl at the back stood up and said, "For fuck's sake, it's pronounced ALISON ALLEN."
A man was stuck in traffic on Canterbury Road in Lakemba, Sydney. He asked a police officer about the delay, as the cop was walking from car to car, speaking with each driver.
The cop stopped and said, "There are three Muslims blocking the traffic and threatening to douse themselves with petrol and set themselves on fire if we don't get them airline tickets to the Middle East. So we’re taking up a collection for them."
The man replied, "How much have you got so far?"
The cop responded, "About 150 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
Mohammed heard that one of his wives was leaving him. He rushed home, where he found her walking out of his tent with her belongings.
He sat beside her and said, "I hear that you are planning to leave me."
She replied, "Yes, because I heard your other wives saying that you were a paedophile!"
Mohammed thought for a moment and responded, "That's a mighty big word for a nine-year-old."
Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of Sydney. Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects $2 to $3 every day. Ali brings home a suitcase full of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes Benz SL500 sportscar, lives in a mortgage-free mansion and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib said to Ali, "I work just as long and hard as you do, but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?"
Ali replied, "Look at your sign - what does it say?"
Habib's sign says: "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Ali said, "No wonder you only get $2 to $3 a day."
Habib asked, "So what does your sign say?"
Ali showed Habib his sign. It read: "I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan."
This morning, I went for a stroll around the Marina. I noticed a Muslim character shouting "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help, he would surely drown!
Being a responsible citizen and abiding by the law of the land that requires that we help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard, ASIO and even the Fire Department.
But after four hours, the Muslim had drowned and none of the authorities had responded. I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy the Irishman on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
The Muslim replied in disgust, "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"
In Mumbai India, a man was going to jump off the building. Up rushed a Hindu cop to talk him down.
The cop yelled to the man, "Don't jump! Think of your father." The man replied, "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."
The cop went through a list of relatives - mother, brothers, sister, uncle, aunt. Each time, the man said, "I haven't got one, I'm going to jump."
The desperate cop yelled, "Don't jump! Think of Lord Krishna." The man replied, "Who is that?"
The cop screamed, "Jump, you Muslim bastard! You're blocking traffic!"
A large earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East. Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria were totally ruined and the governments asked for help to rebuild. The rest of the world was in shock.
Great Britain sent troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia sent oil and monetary assistance.
Latin American countries sent clothing. New Zealand and Australia sent sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries sent labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Canada sent medical teams and supplies.
Not to be outdone, the American President Donald Trump sent two million replacement Muslims.
This is the most interesting English lesson I have seen to date.
Did you know "listen: and "silent" use the same letters?
Do you know that the word "racecar" spelled backwards still spells "racecar"?
And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, non-English-speaking Muslim arseholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-fucking, goat-shaggiing raggedy-arse bastards with you".
How weird is that?
So anyway, I'm behind this Muslim prick who can't drive. Weaving all over the place and hasn't got a clue.
I'm roaring, "You fucking Paki bastard, learn to drive! "And while you're at it you stupid prick, piss off back to your own country, you smelly arsehole."
You know what the cheeky bastard did?
He stopped and said, "Get out of my taxi!"
A local mosque opened its doors and invited non-Muslims to visit in the spirit of their faith's willingness to be open and welcoming, so I decided to go for the first time to see what it was all about.
At the time I was limping a little. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said, "By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today."
I told him that I wasn't paralysed and that I only had a small bunion on my left foot.
He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra, "By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you WILL walk today."
Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me. But after prayers I stepped outside and bugger me, he was right. My car was gone.
A Muslim family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home, but all the Muslim facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in Home that was run by Italians. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, the family came to visit Grandpa Abdullah.
“How do you like it here?" asked his grandson.
“It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Grandpa.
His grandson said, "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different to everyone else."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully well they treat the residents," Grandpa Abdullah said with a big smile.
"There's an 85 year old musician here and he hasn't played the violin in 20 years but everyone still calls him Maestro! There is also a 95 year old High Court Judge in here - who hasn't been on the bench in 30 years yet everyone still calls him Your Honour. There's a surgeon, he's 90 years old and hasn't operated for 25 years but everyone still calls him Doctor!
And me? I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The Fucking Muslim.